How To React When A Loved One Is Diagnosed With A Serious Illness

I'm sure many of you have experience with this one. A friend or family member is diagnosed with chronic pain, diabetes, cancer, lupus, epilepsy or another chronic, potentially life threatening or fatal disease. How should you react?

The truth is, there's no right way. I mean, the wrong way would be to laugh in their face or never speak to them again. I know that mom and I have lost friends because of scary illnesses - friends just couldn't handle it, so they disappeared. If you're feeling like you can't deal with your loved one's diagnosis, be honest. Let them know that you're not sure what to do, but that you can simply be there for them. Maybe you haven't had to deal with something this severe before, and that's okay. Just be sure, however you react, that it's supportive. So, beyond that initial reaction, what can you do?

One of the first things you can do is either ask them about their diagnosis, or do some extracurricular research. Webmd.com is a good, realiable place to start if you're looking up a specific illness. You can also browse bookstores or your local library for information. This will show your loved one that you care enough to educate yourself on what they're going through, and will give you the peace of mind that comes with knowledge.

Another thing you can do is listen. Just listen. Don't try to compare what they're going through with what someone's cousin's dog went through, just listen and respond appropriately. Sometimes a "I can't even imagine what that's like," or "that must be so frustrating" is enough.

Lastly, you can get off the topic. Life goes on no matter how we're feeling, right? So, if possible, take your friend out for a quick shopping trip, bring lunch by and have a picnic in the living room, rent a movie - do something that doesn't involve his/her health problems. If your loved one isn't well enough to do something active, you can always read to them, do chores, or run errands for them and recount what you heard and saw when you get back.

Remember that people respond differently to bad news. Some handle it with tears, some with humor, some with a practical, straightforward attitude. You can take cues from your loved one to see what responses are appropriate to them. A great resource that I'm currently reading with my husband is the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. (Click the link to go to the official website, where you'll find quizzes and other info.) It's a book about discovering your husband or wife's "love language," or the way they express and receive love. Even though the book is designed for couples, the concept translates to family and friends easily. Find their love language, and you'll learn how to show them you care in the best way. Sometimes it's with gifts, like bringing what Mom and I call "happy day gifts" (gifts without special occasion,) or it might be with quality time, just sitting and talking about what's going on in life. Whatever your loved one's love language, you can assure they feel loved by you when you come to visit.

A side note - if you're having difficulty dealing with your loved one's diagnosis, or are just looking for advice or kinship, look for a local support group. Support groups aren't just for people with illnesses, they're also for the people the illness affects indirectly. So, while you're printing out a list of support groups your loved one could be a part of, find one that you can be a part of, too.

Wishing you wellness,
Chelsea

I'm no expert.

My name is Chelsea, and I'm not an expert. At least not in the medical field. I went to school to become a licensed Massage Therapist, I did well in science in college, and I've had my share of health problems, so I'm not totally ignorant to the way the body works and how to fix it when something goes wrong. I can't say, though, that anyone is ever prepared for their mom to have as many health problems as mine has had (many of them secondary issues caused by Lupus,) and then to be diagnosed with cervical cancer.

My mom did the right thing. She hadn't been to the OB in a long time, because she'd taken care of me and my Nana. I began having seizures in 5th grade, was finally diagnosed a few years later, and was weaned off medication in my mid teens. At the same time, my grandmother was suffering from heart problems. There was a time when my mom was literally sitting in between my grandmother, who was having a heart attack, and me, having a seizure. Then, after the three of us moved into a beautiful house together, Nana was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. So, you can see why taking care of her own personal health wasn't my mom's top priority - until she had a heart attack after her mom passed away. (That's a story for a different day, titled "How My Mom Stopped Smoking Cold Turkey.") She began going to the doctor regularly, found out she has type 2 diabetes, and began eating accordingly, exercising on a regular basis, and being the patient every doctor wants. I was so proud of her!

Nana and me.

To continue the trend of taking better care of herself, she made an appointment for a well woman exam. The doctor saw something, but assured her it wasn't cancer. Obviously, he was wrong. I went into "taking care of business" mode, like I do in most emergency or stressful situations. We went to every appointment together, then every treatment. The treatment was intense - 6 weeks of chemo assisted radiation, where, you guessed it, they give them both during the same time period. I learned that there are as many combinations and types of chemo and radiation as there are flavors of Jelly Bellies. I learned that ginger ale can be a miracle, and that my mom really does have that much hair. (She lost half of it during treatment, and you could barely even tell.)

Mom walking me down the aisle. After the wedding, I donated my hair to Locks of Love,

and she donated hers to chemo.

I also learned that I will speak up for myself and my family when it comes to their well being, no matter how high up in rank that person is - or thinks they are. I calmly and respectfully called the radiologist a liar when he insisted he told us one thing when he told us another. I wrote a long letter to the Quality Care department explaining that the radiologist was only at half the appointments, and that his PA was either too busy or not qualified to stand in for him. I explained that my mother didn't even know that she should have seen a social worker until her last day of treatment, at which point it was too late for her to receive any benefits. I recounted the times we were lied to, ignored, and mistreated. I praised the radiology nurses and techs and the chemo team, who were all kind, compassionate, and funny. I praised the oncologist, who carried a rolodex of all her patients in her pocket and made phone calls after hours to check on them. And you know what? I saw results. Suddenly, there were a bunch of very concerned people who had read my letter. Suddenly, people were being "reassigned."

I'm no expert, but you don't need to be to stand up for what's right. It helps to educate yourself and ask questions, because other people won't always do it for you, but you don't have to know everything. You just have to care. You just have to make your voice heard, because you may be the only one speaking for hundreds who can't speak for themselves.

Where to begin?

The biggest challenge in starting this blog is where to start.  Start at the beginning (about 6 years ago) or what's happening now?  To better understand the complexity of this, here are a few more background details. 

Our mother was a strong, professional and very prideful person.  The last years of her life she endured many major health problems including cardiovascular and cancer.  She wasn't the easiest patient to deal with.  She demanded respect and expected all of her caregivers to provide excellent, TIMELY and effective care.  If you didn't meet her expectations, she had no problem letting you know.  Over a period of time, mom's health declined to the point that she no longer felt safe living alone.  Always at mom's beck and call, my sister Karyn and her daughter Chelsea moved in with her.  Living in another state, my ability to provide daily assistance wasn't an option.  Karyn became her primary caregiver until she passed away.  We developed a very close bond with nightly phone calls and visits as frequently as possible.  Being in healthcare, I frequently was the interpreter of all the medical gibberish.

After Mom's passing Karyn, Chelsea and I dealt with all of the usual issues with the estate and some very disfunctional family members.  This only served to bring us closer together.  Of course the majority of the estate concerns fell to Karyn.  As many of you know, this is a very stressful and emotional process.

Flash forward a few months, and I'll never forget the phone call.  "I'm having chest pains, trouble breathing and feel like I'm going to pass out...."